Wednesday, 30 Oct 2002

So now we are at a point where it’s reasonably ok for a country to lethally gas it’s own citizens? Maybe as long as the country isn’t one of those “terrorist” supporting countries it is “ok”? Chilling, is the news that the chinese government says that the Russian authoritie’s handling of the recent hostage situation in which the government killed 115 hostages is a “successful “model” for the resolution of similar crises that may occur in China”. In fact they like the idea so much that several government agencies have been given the task of studying the Russian response, and China is interested in importing the chemical into their own country. story]

Wednesday, 30 Oct 2002

These gunmen made hostages of theatergoers and cast

“If our demands aren’t met we will set off a large blast!”

so a new plan the authorities tried

that killed 1 in 8 hostages inside

when they flooded the building with a top-secret gas

[story]

Sunday, 27 Oct 2002

social : School open houses, sugar hyped children (Halloween Party)

Friday, 18 Oct 2002

Something I have noticed of late is that I have an amazing ability to misremember almost anything. When I am asked a question and answer without thinking what comes out often has a fair chance of being inaccurate. Sometimes even as I am saying something I can’t remember whether something I am describing actually happened or if I saw it in some media or am passing along something 2nd hand or if my mind just makes it up to fit what my subconscious would like to be true. Sometimes scary. Sometimes it really feels like I am in a Philip K. Dick story and reality as I know it is changing as I speak - or as if I remember a history that no longer exists - like I am remembering my history from one or more parallel universes that only overlap in characters and locals and situations, not in words spoken or actions undertaken. The details seem plausible and reasonable but they aren’t *right*. Where do these “memories” come from”?

It isn’t murky enough that human memory is mostly emotional memory not factual memory so anything we remember is colored and morphed by the emotions we felt at the time or emotions we still hold around the people or events or issues relating to a memory, but it seems sometimes like my brain is trying to modify memories and the past dynamically, as I am speaking. That is disturbing. Truth and memory just seem so mutable and imprecise. I wonder why we hold such great stock in memory and history when it so different even for people intimately involved in shaping the original life events that the memories pertain to?

Perhaps that is part of the appeal of some eastern philosophy’s desire to live only “in the moment” only in the “now”. It always seemed a rather irresponsible hippie-ish admonition to “live only in the now”, but as I get older it makes a lot more sense. Maybe it is what I need to get over my paranoia and distrust of my own and other people’s memories. It might be worth a try. It can also be rather freeing in emotional relationships.

I do try to practice a variation on the “live in the moment” routine a bit - rather than get bogged down in other people’s perceptions of me and take on the baggage of accumulated past grievances when I get things directed my way I try to say to myself “What have I done to piss this person off TODAY?” or “Is this comment directed at something I have done or not done LATELY or that still needs to be done/not done?” It has great liberating value - I can look at how I am now and acknowledge past mistakes or grievances and accept that they have effect on the present without taking the negatives into the present with me and taking them on as a burdensome robe or crown of thorns.

Friday, 18 Oct 2002

I wish I had more deep thoughts. I realized the other day that I can’t remember the last time I had a deep or complicated thought. I wonder if I ever have. I think at one point in time I was under the impression that I had deep thoughts but now I can’t for the life of me remember any or imagine what they would have been about. I was under a lot of delusions in my youth though so I don’t count that memory of being aware of something as all that significant. Shouldn’t be age related, people are supposed to get wiser as they get older. Maybe it’s related to the old hierarchy of needs - maybe deep thoughts are only possible when all those other levels of human need are being met? I think I am probably mangling the whole concept of a hierarchy of needs. I do wish I had more deep thoughts though. Unless the deep thoughts were depressing. That wouldn’t be a good thing, I seem to be able to think plenty of shallow depressing thoughts, I don’t need DEEP depressing thoughts.

Sometimes lately I feel like my brain has lost some crucial chemical - like I am missing whatever it was that lured thoughts into to the thinking receptors and kept them fastened there long enough for me to cogitate on. Thoughts seem to flit through my head like static-y pictures on a channel surfed TV. I don’t dream either - or at least I don’t remember dreams if I do have them. I wonder if these two things are related? I wonder if it is possible to have some kind of internal defenses or coping mechanism that in trying to control or limit the damage that negative thoughts or feelings can do to oneself end up shutting down access into all of the deeper regions of the conscious/unconscious mind? I hope not.